At the peak of pandemic stress, my wife called me out. “I hear you talking to your demanding clients and you never lose your cool. Their requests are ridiculous and you’re calm and thoughtful. Why are you always losing it with me and the kids?”

It was true. I was exhausted (and that’s a nice word) with a few of my clients and yet I always found the emotional bandwidth to connect and respond well. At home, when I got frustrated, my patience disappeared within a moment’s notice. I knew I was capable and my wife let me know it. There was a distinction, of course. In one aspect of my life I was far more emotionally invested (the one where I’d lose it!).

It was easy to see there were two distinct versions of me, at work and at home, and a gap in the middle. That gap was depleting my confidence and sapping my energy.

The Identity Gap: A Hidden Struggle for Ambitious Dads

If you’re toggling between two different selves (one at work, one at home) you’re not alone. You’re also not broken. You’re living in what I call the Identity Gap.

The Identity Gap is the invisible tax we pay for compartmentalizing our lives. It’s the emotional cost of context-switching. It’s what drains us when we’re empathetic at the office but emotionally absent at home, Or gritty with our kids but buckling under pressure with our boss.

And it's not just theory. Every Ambitious Dad I’ve interviewed, coached, and supported has said it in some way. Chief Development Officer Leo Martellotto put it best, “If you don’t shift your mindset from high-performing professional to present, playful dad, you’re setting yourself up to fail. Your family doesn’t care about your executive role. They want you to build tents and play Barbies. When I catch myself giving a speech to my kids, I know I forgot to make the switch.”

That right there is the gap.

This Isn’t About Balance. It’s About Alignment

Balance implies tradeoffs. It whispers, “You can only be good in one place at a time.” But alignment is different. Alignment is about coherence. It’s when who you are as a leader strengthens who you are as a father and vice versa, when being great at home makes you better at work.

It’s not about doing more. It’s about being one person, anchored in values, clear in priorities, and consistent in presence.

Here’s what that looks like:

 

Integration in Action: Real Dads, Real Lives

Integration isn’t just a concept. It’s already showing up in the lives of real, Ambitious Dads. Tom Critchlow told me how parenting reshaped his leadership: “The parenting advice I’ve picked up on is often great leadership advice… people being respected and heard and holding space. It’s helped me deal with work conflict.” CEO Robert Mulhall put it this way, “I know when to direct and make decisions and when to co-create… and I saw that being in relationship with my son required those same nuanced skills, including getting feedback on how to parent.” CEO Caleb McClennan shared how his kids tore down the wall between work and family: “I was traditionally very closed off about my personal life at work. Our kids changed that… I’ve let family into work a lot more.” These aren’t random wins. They’re moments of integration. Not perfection, but progress. Not separation, but wholeness.

Introducing: The Integrated Leadership Circle

This is why I built the Integrated Leadership Circle. Because dads like us don’t need more productivity hacks, we need a new foundation. Inside the elite coaching group, we develop:

• A Personal Leadership Philosophy – aligns how you lead across work and home, rooted in your values, and backed by what actually makes leaders more effective.

• The Best Selves Blueprint – designed to help you set high expectations while deepening connection, so your team and your kids grow without burning out or checking out.

New Gaps, New Solutions

Building on the six Dad Gaps I identified after more than 200 interviews (Time, Confidence, Brotherhood, Co-Parenting, Role Model, and Legacy), the Identity Gap reveals even more:

1. The Integration Gap – When you feel like two different people in two different roles.

2. The Values Alignment Gap – When your leadership values don’t match your parenting ones.

3. The Ritual Gap – Missing anchoring practices that reinforce presence and consistency.

4. The Transition Gap – Lacking tools to shift from work mode to dad mode.

5. The Emotional Availability Gap – Giving your best to your team but your leftovers to your kids or vice versa.

6. The Narrative Gap – When your kids don’t understand what you do or why it matters.

We tackle each of these in a small, accountability-driven coaching circle where we feel safe to experiment, fail, and grow.

The Bottom Line: You’re Not Two Men

This isn’t about balancing better, it’s about living aligned.

Because your kids don’t need a part-time superhero. They need one whole man – an authentic, not-burnt-out father who shows up the same way at home and with fellow executives.

And your team? They don’t need you to hustle harder. They need you to lead with integrity. With humanity. With coherence.

This is the real ambition, not just being great in two worlds, but building one life worth leading.

Want to live integrated? Apply to join the Integrated Leadership Circle now.